Asking for what I want and need has been my biggest hurdle in life. For a long time I let my needs fall away as I took care of my children, home, and husband, all while trying to maintain an air of being the person everyone expected me to be. I got so used to it, I even stopped thinking about what I needed in my head. I didn’t consider asking my husband for help with the kids. I didn’t ask my in-laws to watch them so that I could have a day to myself. I didn’t know how to say simply, “I need a break.”
When I think about it, how hard is it to ask for a break? You ask for a break at work, playing a sport or game, even in school. To me though, taking a break is a failure on my part. I can work through my lunch, I can multitask with the best of them, so why would I need a break. Asking for a break is asking for help. If I need help, obviously I’m not good enough at whatever I’m doing. This fear of failure has always been with me, everywhere I go. I can remember always wanting to please everyone and having anxiety over something as small as spilling juice and wondering if my relatives were going to hate me forever.
I have been taught through DBT and ongoing therapy sessions that breaks are a necessity and shouldn’t be viewed as a failure. Yet it’s still a daily struggle. I don’t dare show that I’m only human and can’t do it all. Maybe my fear of failure is linked to my belief that I am not enough, not worthy of what I have. This goes far past low self-esteem. It feels like I’m constantly trying to make up for some past failure. If I could just atone for that, maybe I’ll be worthy of the happiness around me. Only one problem, I don’t know what I’ve done, so I’ll never know when I can stop and just live.
With the worthlessness comes not really knowing who I am as a person. You can become very tired trying out different lives to see which is truly you. I’ve been so many different people in so many different places. Not just a different person at home than at work or between family and friends. Total life changes. I meet someone new and they seem happy with their life, so maybe that’s the life I should be living. The easiest way to explain is skimming over my history with religion.
I was taken to church most of my childhood. I can’t recall specifically which churches I went to in those very early years, but I know every summer we would go to a couple different vacation bible schools. I’ve been to Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Catholic, and Presbyterian churches. They all seem the same, carry the same message, “We are right, everyone else is wrong.” It never really clicked with me, though I belonged to many of these different churches and tried so very hard, I felt nothing. My parents did try to take me to church and my father continued even after the divorce, when he could. I had friends that regularly attended church, so I would often go with them if I stayed over on a Saturday night. Of course I wanted them to like me more, so I would participate. I don’t know if anyone I know right now, other than my mother, knows that I was in a church choir! Again, I was only playing the part. I was pretending to sing to get the recognition I was searching for. I seriously considered becoming Catholic after my first marriage, but though the structure was very appealing, I thankfully never had the time. It wasn’t until trying to find myself in DBT that I starting looking more at Buddhism and though I can’t say that’s exactly what I believe, at least I’m not being told what to believe. Slowly I’ve been trying to incorporate more of the Buddhist teachings into my life when I can, some habits are just so hard to break.
I’ve let go of so many relationships just in the past year. With those losses, I’m gaining my individuality. There are days when not having anyone to turn to, even just to say hello is too much to bare. Then I remember who I was and I see who I am. I discover a little more of who I am each time I catch myself doing something I don’t like about myself, each time I go see my therapist, every day I wake up and I’m still here.
