It’s been hard trying to come to terms with being Borderline. I had never even heard the term until I was diagnosed. Even after diagnosis, I still couldn’t understand how that was me. All you ever see are these terrible things associated with Borderline Personality Disorder. That can’t be me, but at least I have something better than a diagnosis of depression which has followed me my entire life. How can I compare myself to these other people labeled with BPD? I’ve had long term relationships, held on to jobs for years…before those though, life was very different. When I look back over my entire life, I see it in all the little details. All the fights, all the anxiety over the tiniest things, all the tears, all the screaming, and most of all, all the self harm.

When I first started cutting, the term wasn’t popular. Doctors, parents, and friends all thought I was trying to kill myself. It’s hard to explain why you hurt yourself when you are 13 and feel completely alone in the world. When everyone is telling you you tried to kill yourself, you agree. Many years later when the term became more widely used, I was finally able to distinguish between my cutting being self harm and what an actual suicide attempt looks like.

I had gone many years without cutting, only engaging in other forms of self harm occasionally. I can’t say either were exactly healthy. When I wasn’t cutting, I hurt myself in other ways. Looking back I see all the unhealthy things I did. Turbulent relationships, dissociating from sexual encounters, fighting with anyone, pushing the limits of every rule. It wasn’t until I became pregnant with my daughter that self harm became a fixture in my life once again. I thought it was better than all the tears, all the fights I should have had, all the feelings I should have felt. I felt stuck in the life I had made. There was no alternative for me and I loved my son and the child inside me, so suicide was not an option. Releasing the pain I lived with every single day and having that bit of control was the only thing that I had. It wasn’t until my husband found out that I finally sought help. My OB recommended someone who specialized in mental health for pregnant women. That is where my journey through Borderline Personality Disorder began.